Today, a friend mentioned that he’s taking a break from drumming. Instead of probing for reasons or trying to convince him to play again, I took a moment to reflect on my own journey with drumming. I don’t often stop or miss playing sessions, maybe only during very rare bouts of illness or when I travel for a few days or more perhaps. But years ago, I made the choice to step back from drumming for about a month or so.

I had reached a point where drumming professionally, for dance classes, in performances, was making me unhappy. As a student of djembe I was never satisfied with my progress; I constantly felt like I wasn’t good enough and was very hard on myself for mistakes, whether it was playing for a dance class or struggling to keep up in a drum class with a teacher. I performances I was not happy with my solos.

I rarely acknowledged any praise I received and instead focused on the negative and told myself that I would enjoy drumming once I got better or became great. But that mindset most of the time, kept me from enjoying the journey itself.

I found myself caught in this cycle of unhealthy competition, drawing foolish comparisons with others. I took and played for countless drum and dance classes and was always wanting more—more lessons, more experiences—yet somehow, I wasn’t genuinely savoring much of it. At least not on a healthy level or the level that I do now or when I first started, when ignorance was bliss.

I was not in the moment with any of it, worrying about what had happened in the past or future.

So, I made the very difficult decision to take a break “cold turkey”. I got into biking every day and diving into nature photography, not playing at classes and not practicing every day for over a month. It was nice to widen out a bit and do other things! And I was constantly inside all day before as that is where dance classes and drum classes were happening most of the time.

One day, I had this enlightening moment: What if I looked at things differently? I realized I am Michael, just a simple person who does things. I didn’t need to define myself by my hobbies, passions or what I do; I could simply enjoy taking photos without needing to be a photographer. I know that sounds overly simplistic, but it was a groundbreaking realization for me. It was my ego that had been controlling me and I was completely unaware of it.

It hit me that I needed to embrace being Michael who plays drums, rather than striving to be Michael the (great) drummer. Being Michael who plays drums means I don’t have to be excellent or even good—I just need to drum whenever I feel like it and find joy in it. I don’t need to tell my self I am good or bad. Just do it for enjoyment. Go back to finding the fun and joy in it.

Moreover, if it isn’t enjoyable, I don’t have to do it. This shift in perspective was monumental. The Michael who was a drummer felt like he had something to prove—objectives and aspirations to chase after. Be the best, know the most. Compete with others and defend my turf. This was all of course going on in my own head.

In contrast, Michael who drums is simply someone who finds joy in drumming, photography, biking, and so on, without tying his identity to any of these activities in a competitive way. This allowed me and still allows me to do whatever I want and to accept not only myself but others as well. It was a surrender and an acceptance. It was liberating to say the least!

This is really hard for people to grasp as drummers really want to say, “I am drummer, a drummer is this, a drummer is that, a drummer does this or a drummer does that”. But it is all the ego telling us to label.

There was and is nothing to become, and nothing to be.

The ego craves titles, praise and recognition, but simply put, I’ve realized that I don’t. Now, when I pick up the drums again, I approach it with a completely different mindset. Each time I play, I remind myself of my purpose for drumming. I check in with myself.

Drumming involves ego death, There is no two ways about it and no way around it. There are constantly situations that happen where we can not do certain things. There are always people better, stronger, faster, who know more , who have better feel. Or whatever. It does not matter.

If it revolves around too much or “unhealthy” ego, agressive confrontation, or unhealthy competition, I shift my mindset or choose to refrain from participating altogether. I also understand that there is healthy competition and healthy ego, too. Ego has helped me jump out when I was scared and try to do something fear was holding me back in.

And I can now go back into the same situations as before, with a different mindset and have fun. I don’t make it about me anymore. It is about what’s going on around me.

Sometimes, I might drive to a distant location to play, but if it doesn’t feel right or I feel off about it, I’ll just head home because I can always have a fulfilling experience drumming alone just as I would playing with others.

I want to emphasize that when I talk about enjoyment, I’m not suggesting we shy away from challenges, as those are the paths to growth. They are necessary and will always be there.

I’m also not saying we should stop learning, practicing diligently or studying. While studying may not be as exhilarating as jamming out for hours for some people, I still see and enjoy it very much. There’s a great satisfaction that comes from progressing in the learning process, getting something new, doing something you did not think you could, even if it’s not as fun for some people, as just playing.

If we remove the ego from the equation, everything shifts when we play, study, learn and share. And even when we perform. Its important no matter how you identify with drums and drumming to stay and be humble.

My motivation has simply shifted. For me, it’s essential to find a balance with all the different factors at play. If you find yourself in a drumming environment that doesn’t make you happy or feel comfortable, start by reflecting on whether there’s something within yourself that you can change for the better to improve the situation. If there isn’t, then it might be time to move on.